Our starter guide will show you how in 3 simple steps. In order to be assertive without being mean or rude, you must first view yourself as equal to others, and others as equal to you. It just means being direct in what you say, what you want and how you want it. This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. There are times when you cannot win but you can perhaps get out. Your email address will not be published. This article has been viewed 181,630 times. For a family member or good friend with whom you have a mostly positive relationship, inconveniencing yourself to help them out is generally considered to be the right thing to do. I need to finish getting the food ready.” Although the first person's request is still aggressive and sarcastic, the second person is able to respond assertively. You are not blaming the other person. It's riding the balance beam between being confident and direct without being a total jerk. Trust us, their points on why being assertive — and most importantly, being yourself — can affect your life for the better will put everything into perspective. % of people told us that this article helped them. If you're not willing to give any more money, know that before you talk to him again and be ready to assert your boundaries. Since there's a very close connection between push-over tendencies and low self-esteem, it can help to remind yourself that no one has the right to ignore you, be rude, or deny your feelings. To do this, you have to say it in a way that is assertive but not demanding, aggressive or mean. And being seen this way—not as assertive, but as self-righteously defensive—is precisely what I have in mind when I allude to the unfortunate downside of (incorrectly) standing up for yourself. So, when we stand up for ourselves but the culture is one of immorality, underhandedness, gossip, falsehood, or “kill or be killed,” it’s best not to be sorry when our best efforts don’t work out. A person I know wants me to leave my house in the pouring rain to come pick him up someplace and take him home. Be a 24/7 productive working woman by remotely accessing your online private work station from anywhere on any device(PC/Mac/android/iOS) with hosted citrix xendesktop available at an affordable xendesktop cost powered by one of the leading providers of Office 365 suite – Enterprise E3. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time! She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. However, if the other person is threatening you physically, you are allowed to (if not obligated) to say no. Looking in the mirror and practicing what you’d say to someone if they try to put you down can go a long way in building your confidence and your ability to stand and speak up for yourself. An assertive person expresses their thoughts and feelings in direct and appropriate ways. “Look, you little freak, I'm not moving so shut it,” yells one of the bullies as he puts his face in Raj's face and jabs his finger into Raj's chest for emphasis as he talks. "The examples were great. LEARN HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WITHOUT BEING A JERK. If a person is not assertive, then they may be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Walk tall and look people in the eyes. Required fields are marked *. Have your friend pretend to be a difficult or intimidating person who showers you with put-downs. Explain how you feel and what you need. You could say, "Would you like some advice or my opinion?" Tired of feeling trapped by your finances? Say that you are sorry for responding to the situation in a way that made them feel attacked. It may be daunting to think you can stand up to your intimidating boss, your controlling mother, or your manipulative friends, but you can do it by taking small steps. One gets what he wants while the other doesn't stand up for her needs. wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. If you do not know how to do it right, you might end up being wrong even if you are right. I guess the food will just be late. Being straightforward doesn’t have to be rude, and if done right, it won’t be. Practice explaining how you feel and what you need in a straightforward manner. I don’t know in what situation you are right now, but if you are in the need to stand up for yourself, you must be unapologetic about your right to be respect. 4. Or, print it out and hand them a copy. 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